Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”