Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.