fair
You Might Also Like
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
IT’S-A ME,
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly