Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids