Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
