Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You Might Also Like
i think both sides are to blame here
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
