Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
No, I don’t think I will.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo