Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.