Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You Might Also Like
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Happy weekend !
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet