Fair warning….if you talk while I am counting cups of flour for a recipe, I will stab you with the knife I’m using to level them off.

You Might Also Like


Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.


Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages


*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”


I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.


Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh


bay: come over
me: no you’re a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward
bay: my parents aren’t home
me: how are you talking


My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be


Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.


Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today


Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey