Fair warning….if you talk while I am counting cups of flour for a recipe, I will stab you with the knife I’m using to level them off.

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After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”


Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.


My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume


I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.


I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill


I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.


Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.


society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week