Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
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Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’ve been learning to cook.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”