Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Fair warning….if you talk while I am counting cups of flour for a recipe, I will stab you with the knife I’m using to level them off.
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After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
society: mothers get their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: they get a whole week