@MAB1013

Fair warning….if you talk while I am counting cups of flour for a recipe, I will stab you with the knife I’m using to level them off.

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@MindyFurano

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

@inmybox07

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

@UncleDuke1969

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

@ninjadinosaur1

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

@anerdonfire2

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

@EJGomez

bay: come over
me: no you’re a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward
bay: my parents aren’t home
me: how are you talking

@reallifemommy3

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

@MensHumor

Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.

@junejuly12

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey