Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*