Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft