[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
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Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore