[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say