Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
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My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
You wish you had this many chins.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.