Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia