Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken