If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
how much for the angry fruit?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I am yelling
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.