Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

Bruh PLEASE

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*