Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
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#Caturday
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.