Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

Jupiter

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.