Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
🐕🍷
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”