Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Managing expectations
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?