Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
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13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
i want to work in this restaurant
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.