Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
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Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
long lost
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.