Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
