Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you