Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
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3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
A collection of me turning into random objects.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Pretty much! 😂👀
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.