Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

They’re the worst 😩

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.