FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*