fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
