Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

bugs when you lift up a rock

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.