*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
hackers play passwordle
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
This meal prepping shit easy
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”