Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

The prophecy is fulfilled

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P