Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
#titanic
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.