“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined