Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

Me when I try to be useful

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.