“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so