“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.