Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?