Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
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*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Alexa: *deep breath*
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it