[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.