[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Lassie, get help!
Respect
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial