*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
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Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*