*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Happy Star Wars day!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.