*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.