Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

is this store having a stroke wtf

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy