fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
this was the best i’ve ever seen
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”