Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*