Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

What’s the point buying it then?

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year