Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks auntie mary

Thinking about Jeff

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away