Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*