Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Weirdos gonna weird.