Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.