Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

why I oughta

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.