Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz