Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades