Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”