My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
You Might Also Like
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Squirrels before girls.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
oppen heimer style lol
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?