[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders