[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.