Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
You Might Also Like
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
termite twitter scares me
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
The Friday File.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy