Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.