Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
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I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Check out the legs on this baby
what?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Our lord and savoury.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha