Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

who named him groot and not spruce lee

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

real

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”