Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks