Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]