Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

Let’s Go

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

oh my god

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?